You know what’s insane? I miss you. I miss you when i’m doing everyday activities, I miss you when I run errands in town. I miss you when i’m sitting with my other friends because they make me think of the good times we had. I miss you when I don’t even want to miss you; when i’m trying to fill my mind with other things. It is in the moments that I start to send a text about my day that I realize it’s to you. I miss you. It’s crazy. I hope you miss me too. 

I think I’m falling. Please, don’t let me hit the ground.

Do you ever look back at something in the recent past and want to punch yourself in the face? I do. Right now. Am I being over dramatic? Maybe, I’m a girl, therefore I’m good at it. It’s the truth, embrace it.

For the past 6ish weeks I’ve been pouring into a relationship, and honestly I can’t tell you why anymore. What was healthy and good became heartbreaking and frustrating. Words were never enough, I was only wanted or missed if nothing better was around; and to top it all off the usual thing happened; if there was someone more attractive around or friends to impress I was their “sld friend” (my job title, not even just friend); or I was the third wheel. However, I would easily be forgotten for the next best thing. Because I don’t have feelings or emotions, and if they were upset I needed to support and encourage, but if it was me… Well, I would get over it.

If I didn’t initiate it, then there is nothing. It’s actually really disappointing, and I know, I know there’s “Gods got a plan” “Jesus is enough” or “there are better friends” give em out, I’ve heard them before. Let’s be honest though, they don’t give deep enough comfort. It doesn’t feel good to be the backup friend, or whatever I may be. It doesnt feel good to never be good enough for someone else.

You know what? Forget this. I’m going to camp, I need to re-focus and be broken by the Lord once more. I am torn between wanting to be remembered as a dear friend and hoping to wake up with no feelings or haunting memories of the greatness of what was. But, either way, I just, I hope the Lord teaches me something great out of this and that He can use it in my life to do something for His glory.

Let’s be real though, the past few hours have been rough. I’ll move on, it’s gonna be okay!!

I miss you, and I miss being able to see you and do things with you. I miss knowing that you miss me too. But, don’t worry, I’m not going to lose sleep over this. You need time, and ill give it to you. So, here’s a see you later.
Time heals all wounds and I hope that’s true of you too.

I realized something this evening, between the packing of my car, looking at my empty room, crying, sitting in the bleachers of my favorite spot on campus, and walking through a deserted north campus to drop off my key; life is literally like a story.

People say that all the time, or “this is the end of one chapter” or that phrase of “let God write your story” but for some reason I was automatically expecting this chapter to end easier, better, with less tears and a lot more excitement. I mean, this summer is going to be awesome! Yet since Tuesday morning tears and a deep ache have been what I’ve felt.

Then came the moment a few minutes ago, my eyes red and swollen from crying, that God spoke to me in my broken lonely state. He always gets me. It wasn’t a harsh “move on” or a smothering “just let it out” it was a “this chapter has been painful and good, but this is just a suspenseful ending, I’m about to do something great that you can’t even comprehend”.

I’m scared, and I still feel like Monday is forever and a day away, but I’m ready. I’m ready because I have no other choice, and I’m ready because change, though painful, is good.

“remember not the things of old, behold I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it”

I’m ready because I know that God is far more worthy of my trust and hope than anything my heart so desperately is trying to grab onto here. Summer, let’s go. Here I am, this season is all for God.

I think there are some phrases that are cursed, like “It cannot get any worse” or like in A Walk to Remember: “just promise you won’t fall in love with me”

I am so torn right now, torn because what my heart wants is so different than what is factually true of the situation I’m in. Here we are, truly, I swear, I don’t know where my heart is. I am so torn and broken, and exhausted, sad, excited, and hurting. This array of emotions brought on by the crazy past few days of being stuck at school are intense.

It comes down to this, do I trust that Christ is really all I need or am I going to fill my heart with other things along the way?

I know what I want: Jesus. I know what my heart wants, which boil each desire down, it’s something that can be filled with by Christ. Yet, prone to wander, Lord I feel it!

Anyone else with me? Why is it easier to lay here and want something that at the end of the day can never satisfy me, and disappoints when I have Jesus?

He is more than I could ever say, want, need, have, gain, hope for. He is my everything, yet, I am so prone to wander.

God satisfy this lonely heart. He is all I need!